‘America’s Next Top Model’ Recap, Episode 1: “Business, Brand, Boss

ANTM — or as you may know it, America’s Next Top Model — is back!
It’s been a few years since we last saw Tyra Banks and company make bank dashing the hopes and dreams of delusional beautiful people, and I’m so happy to finally have it back.
Twenty-eight women have arrived in NYC to audition for a shot to be on this reboot season and we’re introduced to our first round of the episode’s major players. There’s Marissa, a gorgeous biracial 18-year-old girl from Texas who was raised by a teen mom, but not her father, who has been incarcerated her whole life. That’s an interesting backstory, for sure, but I am distracted as she’s telling us because she has the most amazing mouth I’ve ever seen. Instant fave.

There’s Justine, a beautiful 18-year-old Asian-American girl from Los Angeles. Her parents are strict. So strict, in fact, that we later learn that Justine didn’t even tell her mother that she was coming to NYC for the show. That’s such a silly 18-year-old girl decision: “I know! I’ll move across the country without notifying my primary caretaker, and even though I’ve terrified her by disappearing, when I reappear as the winner of VH1 reality show, all will be forgiven!”

Cherish Waters, is a 25-year-old redhead try-hard who talks in third person, and based on her little quips in the testimonials, watches too much Drag Race. Meh.

Binta is a 25-year-old model/activist from Gambia. She’s beautiful and elegant and I look forward to watching her. There’s big haired Giah, 21 years old and from Texas. Then there’s India, defying stereotypes by being a white woman named India.

The twenty-eight women gather altogether at an event space in NYC where they are treated to a slideshow of Tyra Banks photos on a huge projector. Of course. It’s not Top Model until Tyra Banks shows pictures of herself while women half her age scream wildly.

Tyra herself shows up, to soak in the screams of those young women and to announce her successes. She explains that she won’t be hosting this season because she has built such a brand that she wants to go and create other opportunities for delusional beautiful people such as themselves. But first, Tyra wants the girls to know that she’s not looking for a traditional model — she’s looking for a model that combines beauty and social media. Yep. Tyra’s looking for a Tumblr Shorty.

 Tyra says, “I won’t be here, but I will be watching you,” which is completely one hundred percent terrifying. Tyra Banks peeking into your window at night watching you sleep whilst whispering, “Don’t forget to smize,” is the stuff of nightmares. It’s also a lie. Tyra ain’t gonna be watching shit.
We meet a few more major players. Tatiana, is 21 from Brooklyn (BK ALL DAY!) and already owns a skincare line. Cody and Tash are 25-year-old twins from San Diego. They are also especially brave. Why would you enter a looks competition with the person who has your face? That seems like the perfect setup for a sibling rivalry up there with Leo and Ron Gallagher. Maybe I’m just too insecure to be a twin.

On the first day of the competition, the girls meet at a heliport where they are to meet the new host and judges. A helicopter lands, and Rita Ora, steps out of the helicopter and introduces herself to the screaming girls all pretending to know who Rita Ora is. We’re given a package showing us what it that Rita Ora does — she apparently models, acts, sings, and is a fashion icon. But it would have saved everyone a whole lot of time if they’d just told us that she is “Not Rihanna.”

The judges follow Rita off the helicopter. There’s Ashley Graham, the super successful plus-sized model who is proud that she’s changing the standards of beauty on a modeling competition with not a single plus-sized contestant.There’s Law Roach, who we are told is an Image Architect and stylist, which, I mean, I guess. There’s Drew Elliot, who is the Chief Creative Officer at Paper Magazine, and he looks as if David Spade rolled around in Donald Trump’s spare Cheeto Dust skin products.

The competition starts with some go-sees. The women are tasked with meeting and impressing two designers: the elegant Laquan Smith, who has dressed Beyoncé and Kim Kardashian, and Philip Klein, who is clearly auditioning super hard to be a mediocre villain. Laquan gives actual constructive criticism for the women he meets. Philip, however, is a clearly a misogynist who I’m sure got into fashion for the opportunity to tell hot chicks they’re ugly. “This is Top Model, not flop model!” is such a corny line, Philip. If you’re going to be cruel, you should at least be clever about it. Simon Cowell hasn’t been on American Television in a while, but I’m sure his old stuff still holds up.

After the go-sees, a fight begins in the limo. Our first fight! Quei is talking smack about the twins, and Courtney, the most beautiful girl in the completion, IMO, is not only in the running for America’s Next Top Model, but America’s Most Self-Righteous Model. She chastises Quei, herself a thirst bucket looking for camera time, for talking smack about the twins. Quei overreacts and resorts to mocking Courtney’s amazing overfull eyebrows. Umm, girl, how dare you mock anyone’s eyebrows when you don’t have ANY EDGES?
If anything, she should be begging Courtney to loan her some of those full eyebrows so that she can fill in the rest of her hairline.Finally we get to our first judges panel, where the women will be judged on the photos they took for their comp card. Marissa gives her story of having a father who has been in jail her whole life and Rita Ora is careful to one-up Marissa with a story of her migrating to London from her war-torn country as a child. Yes, Rita. Get your one-up on! A good host of ANTM must not only be a fashion and industry expert, but adept at one-upping everyone in the room. Tyra will not be disappointed.
Marissa is GORGEOUS. Best card of the night in my opinion. Next we see Paige. Paige is annoying. Paige announces that she’s been on every committee, been in every pageant, done every extra-curricular and in addition to being all over the place, she wants to be America’s Next Top Model. “So you’re the girl I would hate in school,” Rita says. Yep. To be honest, I hate her now. Pretty photo though.There’s Arreyon, overdressed, overstyled, and who needs polish. Bad card. Justine looks great. Cherish has a gorgeous photo. Kyle, androgynous and stunning, is BEAUTIFUL on screen but takes a terrible photo. The judges love her though, and so I’m not worried about her place in the competition. Coryanne is gorgeous. Roxy does a British accent no one asked for. Starr does an opera performance for some reason. Quei reveals that she is a transwoman, which is a powerful moment for her, but when she comes back to the holding room, she starts some trouble with Courtney again. Tatiana, who seems very wise for her age, reminds Quei that one needn’t be a bitch to be strong.

Cody and Tash entered the room at the same time and speak in unison. Ugh, I hope this twin thing doesn’t go down all season. I’m already over it. Tash is a better picture taker than Cody, but Law Roach talks the rest of the panel into thinking her bad photo is just edgy androgyny, and ugh, it’s clear to me the twin thing won’t go away anytime soon. Giah is makes a really great impression and I like her just as much as Rita Ora seems to.

Before making the decision, Rita announces that the winner of ANTM will be the model who is about her Business, is a Boss, and has a Brand, which is rather vague. What constitutes Boss? What’s her business? Tatiana is the only one with a business? What determines their brand? I just wanna see some pretty pictures from pretty girls!

Instead of handing out the pictures while giving overlong speeches from Tyra, the girls are directed to a club where they will find out if they are eliminated from a bouncer who refuses to let them in. This seems especially cruel, evidenced by Arreyon’s over the top cry and begging to be told this is not the truth. How sad.

The fourteen girls for this season are Courtney, Krislian, Marissa, Cody, Tash, Justine, India, Binta, Giah, Kyle, Paige, Tatiana, Cory Anne, and Cherish. They’re an awesome bunch, and I am STOKED.